release therapy....

as a sit at my desk writing this blog entry...my mind wonders to unknown places and i begin to think. im thinking of my life and how far i have come along. i am proud of what i have obtained and what i have accomplished, but for some reason i still am unhappy with myself. in a way i tend to wish that i was something else or someone else...but yet i realize just how lucky i am. i have more than what i need and occasionally i get spoiled by the ones who love me. so why am i so confused as to who i am and what my purpose is? i love my life and my family i just wish that we could live life the way i dream it in my head. you know...the pleasantville, brady bunch, cosby show type of life. the one where we may fight and fuss but in the end everything is okay again. the life where we take a break to stop...think of ourselves and where we are in life and just be thankful. the type of life where we actually sit down with our families and spend time together. i want to express myself and my emotions on different matters to someone i know and trust, but everyone who falls into that category are judgemental, doesnt understand me, or just isnt the right person...you know? or maybe not.... maybe i am the only one who feels this way, that life can be so much better than it is...not just for me but for everyone. everyone deserves to be loved, everyone deserves to be treated right and with the upmost respect. everyone deserves a family that will do for them and love them unconditionally and when they may fight and argue with one another, everything will be okay eventually. instead of going on for days dwelling on the past and things that have happened two or three weeks ago...or maybe even a month ago. why do we do that? why do we dwell on things? why can't they just be be solved and put away. thats how bad things happen to people. they dwell on things that have happened in the past and they end up making bad decisions in different situations because their emotions have been worn out by thinking of whatever it was they were thinking. their emotions have been wrecked....its so sad to see this happen. that is what is happening to me...i am dwelling on things that have happened to me in the past and i cant seem to let them go. i dont like thinking of these things because they make me sad and angry but i just cant help it. when im alone, im scared...and thats a big deal for me because im not one to become scared. but because of the things that i have had to go through i cant help but to become vulnerable to this fear inside of me. i then begin to wonder if it is just i who thinks like this. am i the only one who has become a victim of her thoughts and fears? am i the only one who has drastic problems like this everyday? am i the only one who has these sudden feelings of emptiness and loneliness? maybe i am...but i can except that. i always have...why think otherwise now?.....