the best i never had....

as i sit and actually listen to the lyrics of Best I Ever had by Drake, my mind always seems to go a rollercoaster ride of thoughts as my body goes on a drug trip of emotions. Seems, like everyone is jumping on the Drake band wagon, but I truly understand what he is saying in his song. ive never been the one to compare someone to another, because in life everyone brings something different to the table, but with you i cant help it. and the funny thing is, youre the best i never had. hmmmm, where to begin? her friendship, her friendship i value, as i do all. but it doesnt add up or compare to yours. with you there is no care in the world. im at ease, relaxed and in a utopian world where its only you and i and nothing or no one else matters. i hate to leave you, but secretly crave for the next time i will see you, because i know it will be better than the last time we shared moments together. her eyes, well her eyes are just that nothing more, nothing less. but your eye, your eyes are captivationg, breathing taking and always leave me speechless. when i look into your eyes im no longer on planet earth. im far beyond the 8 plants in the solar system and swimming in a milky way of love as your eyes drain the lust i have for you. her smile, her smile is ok, and even me saying that, is giving it too much credit. but your smile, your smile brings a warmth in my soul, a feeling of empowerment. id do a million silly things or do something so embarassing just to be blessed with your smile. as it was your smile that made me fall in love with you. her kiss, her kiss was rushed, no feelings felt and bland. but, your kiss left me breathless, free, light. i felt as if i was a bird soaring high in the sky with no particular place to go, but flying just because. her words, well they go in one ear and out the other. but your words, your words are capturing and alluring as if it was Talib Kweli's Talk to You (Lil' Darlin) demanding my attention at all times. her touch, her touch is ragid, rough, and not the worthy of being in contact with mines. but your touch, your touch releases love, emotion, and soothes me inside out. her being, is just that a being just like the other 6.7 billion people in the world. but you, youre extraordinary, one of a kind and a diamond in the rough. but, how can my mind hold up all of the qualities of you if ive yet to experience them? so, as Drake says at the end of Best I Ever Had that its the type of song you dedicate for that special somebody, i dedicate this to [YOU]. THE BEST I NEVER HAD....

convinced.....

im convinced there is something wrong with me on the inside. im being deprived of my conscious. the wind whispered your name to me again yesterday. i almost slipped into my memories again. ive got to start living sometime soon. im kind of like a shade. noticeable, but unable to hold on to anything, or let anything hold onto me. im over the upset. i just cant seem to get over our temporary perfection. its okay though. ive beaten those demons back inside the pit where i keep all of lifes other disappointments. i need to be broken. i dont think you want to know me now. im something like a monster lurking behind my own prison. sulking, waiting, behind the lies. im scared though. i think the monster wants to come out soon as a result of not being what you want. i cant be what she wants either. she doesnt see from my point of view. she remains a victim though she pulled the trigger. i don't think she wants to know the truth. nausea overwhelms me when i allow myself to focus on the subject for too long. im over everyone. i just wish someone would make an impact on me. until then im just faking life. searching for a hypocrite, just so i dont feel so alone. i have plans, im going to surprise them all, i just hope it doesnt faze you. i'm not so worried anymore though. these fists will prove faithful with time. hold your breath.....

my slight vent...

its kinda funny how i am over and done with you. yet, i feel some connection. although what we had is way in the past, you still have a hold on my mental. all emotional feelings for you have ceased, i can go forever in a day without thinking of you, talking to, etc. but, somehow, some way you find your way back into my existence. good thing you live miles away, and through AIM, or a random phone call is the only way you can reach me. you talk to me as old friends do, which stimulates my mind, and once again opens my heart to you. in previous conversations, i ask of your health and are you taking care of yourself, not because im trying to be bossy, but because i know how you act nonchalant about your status. i ask if you are involved with someone new, not because im being nosey, but beause i know how heartbreak seems to always find you and how hurt is alays nearby. it missed us, but happiness couldnt stay within us, so being apart was best. each time, you feed me the same line, and each time i believe. but, as i received your instant message today, you seemed distant, different, in another world. responses short, and none meaningful. then you drop the bomb shell. "Tee, im getting married." speechless, "wow" is all i could get out. but the rage is what fueled inside of me, instead. as open as i am, with you, i couldnt get the words out. a simple "im happy for you" was my response. yes, it was bland, but i truly am happy for you. im not hurt at the fact of your marriage, but hurt that your random outreach to me weeks before, had no signs of a girlfriend, fiance, homie lover friend, nothing. so, now i truly know words, are just that, WORDS. ah, feels good to let go and release.....

Little Bit...

Tru Life: "im a little bit in love with [YOU]...."

i think i know [YOURE] the one, the closet ive come. i think im in LOVE<3....

no longer, am i going to deny what i feel, so i shall write it down, and hope it releases some of the pressure i have as i enter the denial stage. countless times, ive felt the sting of some sort of love for [YOU], and though i know it cant or will never be, i cant help it. this is deeper than a crush, and miles ahead of a love jones. im privately "IN LOVE WITH [YOU]." [YOU] stole my heart, before i knew it was stolen. as [YOU] are a thief in the night, i couldnt keep the dead loCKs, loCKed tight enough to keep [YOU] from stealing my heart. [YOU] irritate me, beyond belief and yet i yearn for [YOU], when i dont hear [YOUR] voice, or see [YOUR] beautiful face. although, my feelings will get me nowhere, i vow not to deny it, anymore. im in love with [YOU]......

Notebook (Page 42)

today, i thought of you, as i always do. the images of you that lie across my heart, placed a smile on my face and an overwhelming feeling on my soul. keeping these feelings i have for you bottled up, is slowly breaking me down, but knowing that youre in my life, keeps me strong. when we're apart it is easy to keep the passion i have for you conseled, but the moment i look into your eyes, im unable to deny the love i have for you. i'm in love with you, and the feeling cant be erased. you stole my heart, before i knew it was stolen. and although, we are in two different worlds and we'll never be, ill continue to have these feelings and profress my love for you on page 43.....

trapped....

I'm trapped

Struggling to break free

I hide, I run, and I still can't shake you

Constantly and slowly tearing me apart

I can't take this much longer

It's like I escape you, for a day a week even

But you always seem to find your place in my misery

I cry hoping that it is an outlet of my pain

The tears dry up and your still there

No I mean here

I fear you, because I think thoughts I've never thought before

The voices I hear leaving me confused on you, on life

My feet are heavy, stuck

My body is turning cold

My head won't stop spinning

I can't take this anymore

I'm trapped

I can't escaped you

Because you are

ME

release therapy....

as a sit at my desk writing this blog entry...my mind wonders to unknown places and i begin to think. im thinking of my life and how far i have come along. i am proud of what i have obtained and what i have accomplished, but for some reason i still am unhappy with myself. in a way i tend to wish that i was something else or someone else...but yet i realize just how lucky i am. i have more than what i need and occasionally i get spoiled by the ones who love me. so why am i so confused as to who i am and what my purpose is? i love my life and my family i just wish that we could live life the way i dream it in my head. you know...the pleasantville, brady bunch, cosby show type of life. the one where we may fight and fuss but in the end everything is okay again. the life where we take a break to stop...think of ourselves and where we are in life and just be thankful. the type of life where we actually sit down with our families and spend time together. i want to express myself and my emotions on different matters to someone i know and trust, but everyone who falls into that category are judgemental, doesnt understand me, or just isnt the right person...you know? or maybe not.... maybe i am the only one who feels this way, that life can be so much better than it is...not just for me but for everyone. everyone deserves to be loved, everyone deserves to be treated right and with the upmost respect. everyone deserves a family that will do for them and love them unconditionally and when they may fight and argue with one another, everything will be okay eventually. instead of going on for days dwelling on the past and things that have happened two or three weeks ago...or maybe even a month ago. why do we do that? why do we dwell on things? why can't they just be be solved and put away. thats how bad things happen to people. they dwell on things that have happened in the past and they end up making bad decisions in different situations because their emotions have been worn out by thinking of whatever it was they were thinking. their emotions have been wrecked....its so sad to see this happen. that is what is happening to me...i am dwelling on things that have happened to me in the past and i cant seem to let them go. i dont like thinking of these things because they make me sad and angry but i just cant help it. when im alone, im scared...and thats a big deal for me because im not one to become scared. but because of the things that i have had to go through i cant help but to become vulnerable to this fear inside of me. i then begin to wonder if it is just i who thinks like this. am i the only one who has become a victim of her thoughts and fears? am i the only one who has drastic problems like this everyday? am i the only one who has these sudden feelings of emptiness and loneliness? maybe i am...but i can except that. i always have...why think otherwise now?.....